Disappointment.. why am i always disappointed??

Is it really hard to live a simple life, a life without disappointments? I have always believed that I am not going to live for long, with the not so good condition body of mine. I have only one wish, which is to be treated with care and concern. To be with the one i love, to be happy each passing days. Why does it seems so hard?

I cannot understand why after 3 years of being together with me, he still doesnt understand me. At first, things were sweet, each day was happiness, no arguements, no quarrelling, no fighting, no rebellious acts, no jealousy acts, everything seems perfect, i got what i wanted, i felt love. However, as time goes by, things started to change, people change, the environment change, and the least that i expected was, he changed. If he were to change to better, i wouldnt be sitting here complaining.

Time. Why do time make people change so much? to the extend that he is totally a completely different person eventhough he still looks the same. Does time teach people to be different? I cannot believe that he changed so much within 3 years. He has learn to be indifferent, rebellious, jealous, argumentative. All those that I am not expecting from someone I love. Now, love dissipates as pain injects into my heart.

Problems. What is the problem that is ruining this relationship actually? Self conscious? guilty conscience? afraid of losing your loved one? I seriously dont know. Putting asides family problem and stress from school works, I seriously dont see that i would create problem that would ruin the relationship. My thinking maybe complex at time and my character maybe difficult but I am just a simple girl who wished to be loved and showered with care and concern from my loved ones. I cannot change my character for this is the real me and besides, I have changed alot since the beginning of the relationship to accomodate him. I dont know whether he realizes that or not.

Expectations. My expectations are high. Well i used to expect alot. But since i cannot expect so much, i have reduce my expectations to very basics, just someone to care for me when i needed a shoulder to lean or cry on, support me in every aspect be it school work or financially. I used to expect diamond rings, condos, car, more expensive things. Still he find me too expensive and my expectations are too much. I really dont know what else to expect. If i am in my old state of mind, I would have dumbed him a very long time ago and looked for a guy who can live up to my expectations. Now I have a reason to think why I am still trying to lower down my expectations knowing that I am taken granted for and I've done ALOT (it really is ALOT)and sacrificed alot for him which I dont think is a big deal for him but it is to me or my religion. I keep emphasizing on these that I have done, it cannot be compared to what he have done for me, for what he have done was mostly materialistic well on the other hand, I have sinned which really is a big deal for me in my religion, I have suffered and I have poured my sincerity. He just doesnt understand, or doesnt want to understand. Regarding religion, I was asked, would he convert to Islam because he wants to believe in the religion or just merely because he is going to do it for my sake? I have the confidence that it is the latter which actually not the purpose of conversion to Islamic religion.

Jealousy. I am a simple person, I want to be. I am loyal to my loved one, even if a rich, handsome,10x better guy where to take me away, I would still choose the one I love. Are guys suppose to get jealous so easily, to the extend that even by just going home from school together with another guy is seen as a date? A remark from other guys which is suppose to be a self conscienceness question turn out to be a chide to him? I thought girls are the one who have the right to be jealous all the time. Why does he get jealous so easily? because of love? or pride? or guilty? or no confidence? or no trust? What is it actually?

If I were to talk about all these 3 years, it can take a long time. I just dont know what this relationship means to him, what I mean to him. How he is taking this relationship? How he sees this relationship? What he plans to do with this relationship? Will he change to be a better person? Will he cherish me more now? Will he know what I really want? Will he realise how important I and this relationship is to him? How is he going to act in future if he ever read this? Will i get a better treatment? Will i be happier? Will i get more loved?

Alot of questions are running through my mind, I dont know what to do with this relationship anymore. I have given up once, but i manage to somehow regain back the confidence but I'm losing it again now, not because of other people because if it is because of other guys, I would have dumbed him long ago but because I dont see any happiness, no love, no care and concern, no signs of us being in a relationship. We are more like best friends who just smses each other without phone calls, who goes out merely for dinner. I dont want to spend my future with a best friend. Maybe its time for both of us to really give it a thought. As I seriously doubt I will see changes in him and his perspective of this relationship.

12:55 AM sprinklinq love Y

Weeeeeeeee............. Guess who's back...

Omg.. it's been a year since i last bloggED!
Been very very lazy and busy with my school work.
However busy I am, I still have the time to slack! Hehehe..
I too need to buck up on my studies.
Setting a goal that is to at least get a 3rd class honours.
It's gonna be tough but jiayous.. Since there are a few friend of mine from the same poly in the same school, now i have the motivation to work hard.
And the fact that I failed a quiz had slapped my heart out of my brain, make me realise that it is not going to be the same anymore. I need to put in more effort. There are no third chances and no time for regret. Well, another reason is because I dont want to disappoint my parents who is pinning hope on me to support the family.
Hope its going to help me boost my morale and buck up.
Please buddies hope you guys understand if i'm too busy to go out with you all and please push me to study.. Thanks.. Hahaha..

Okie, time for me to sleep.. Nitez..

1:28 AM sprinklinq love Y

Welcome to crazsri.blogspot.com
Love is like a river,
will cut a new path;
whenever it meets an obstacle.
-Crystal Middlemas-

Srinoorini
A.k.a Crazsri
01/01/86
NTU
Capricorn
sri_zanny@hotmail.com
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